Getting fired up about a lake weekend with my homies!

For you coffee lovers out there

For those of you with electric fence experience, a "true" story

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few

 months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically

 in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I

 got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of

 the fence.

 Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had,

 made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground

 rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground. The ground rod is

 the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the

 fence works..

 One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp

 big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in

 the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I

 pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it,

 to throw it out of the way.

 It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

 Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my

 right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.

 Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery

 and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

 Time stood still.

 The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the

 front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could

 feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my

 brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could

 feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the

 engine.

 It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit

 lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical

 impulses.

 Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time.

 I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my

 bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a

 second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is

 creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you

 just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were

 minutes in between but in reality it was so close together. It

 was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8

 grand.

 At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into

 holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the

 wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I

 know all about electric fences. But Dad always had those piece

 of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were

 like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

 This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is

 now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex

 river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to

 have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out

 of gas.

 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

 Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled

 into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big

 lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my

 vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze

 die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle

 nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor

 waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

 So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,

 standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did

 not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own

 fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

 I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.

 I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was

 beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was

 sunburned.

 There were two large dead grass spots where I had been

 standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the

 wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to

 it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting

 thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..

 Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a

 few things:

 1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

 2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right

 butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

 3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell

 as bad as you might think.

 4 - My left eye will not open.

 5 - My right eye will not close.

 6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think

 our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or

 something, because it was better than new after that.

 7 - My nuts are still smaller in diameter than average yet they are almost

 a foot long.

 8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while

 thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this!!!).

 That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for

 things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always

 triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

 The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the

 fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do

 to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over,

 which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Longversation

longversation

The quality of a conversation that is both long and rambling, without a fixed purpose and lacking in concision. Generally used in a negative sense.

A sundae? a breakfast? Both? Oh MY!

While supplies last at your area Burger King!

My oath of friendship to you

The following is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.  No cutesy shit here.  Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

When you are scared ~ I will rag on you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

When you are worried~ I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

When you are confused ~ I will try to use only little words.

When you are sick ~Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall ~ I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but I'll help you up. 


This is my oath .....I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask.  Because you are my friend.